Preview KEW Episode 74: Self-Compassion

I recently arrived at the conclusion that I needed more self-compassion. I had heard this so many times I figured it must be true. Only I didn’t really know what self-compassion meant. So I started studying up on it.

See, at first I had self-compassion confused with self-PITY. I didn’t want to sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time. Or, maybe it’s because I DID sit around feeling sorry for myself sometimes and didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to be associated with someone who feels a lot of self-pity, so I stayed away from self-compassion for fear of going too far.

But I finally discovered Kristen Neff and her book, ‘Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself‘ and her website at self-compassion.org. This was a great start. To say the least. And it helped me understand the difference between pity and compassion (more on that in Friday’s post).

Not that we want to give 100% of the credit for the idea of self-compassion to one person, but Dr. Neff has become the name and the face behind a movement to be kind to ourselves.

So self-compassion is pretty self explanatory. It’s compassion toward yourself. It’s sort of that whole, ‘treat yourself like you would a friend’ thing. It just makes sense.

And it’s the opposite of beating ourselves up – which we all know is a bad thing.

For me, I now try to fill the gap in the pause I have created with the thought that I can choose to not beat myself up – I can choose to be compassionate toward myself instead.

I can’t wait to share this episode with you this Friday.

KEW Episode 68: Accountability

Does this bother you?

You interact with someone at their job, maybe getting a coffee or something. The server is rude, obnoxious, entitled, and unhelpful. Maybe they’re even condescending toward you. You may or may not say anything, but, hey, you want your coffee. Maybe you think about it later, but at some point it occurs to you that they were not good at their job in that moment. Maybe it was an isolated event, maybe it was the norm.

But what gets me, and maybe you, too, is that they were THERE. Which means this WAS an isolated event or their supervisor didn’t notice. In any event, and this is where my mind always goes, the fact that they were still working suggests that there was no ACCOUNTABILITY for their behavior.

Whenever I see someone acting like an asshole I think, “at some point someone was supposed to kick their ass and didn’t’. In other words, people act the way they do because other people ALLOW them to, or ENABLE them.

So one thing accountability does is remove that enabling. It calls people out on their shit.

And that’s the point I’m trying to make with Accountability this week.

Again, from Miriam-Webster:

Accountability: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions

So, yeah, the misbehaving barista? No one was holding them responsible for their actions. Neither you, their supervisor, coworkers, other patrons, nor themselves.

And that just doesn’t work.

I’d argue that one of the main assumptions of any society is Accountability.

Where there is no Accountability, there can be no rules. No norms. No laws. (See Episode 56: Domestication for more on these)

So there is no society with out Accountability, yet we are maybe not doing the best job practicing this obligation.

We are obligated to hold each other AND OURSELVES accountable for our actions – and probably our thoughts, ideas, and other things where they influence other people.

When did we forget this?

Full podcast audio download here: https://pdcn.co/e/https://chtbl.com/track/CGDA9D/www.buzzsprout.com/530563/9396165-kew-episode-68-accountability.mp3?download=true

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Full YouTube video here: https://youtu.be/XqmKUHOJLxo

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Thanks for listening, watching, following, subscribing, commenting, emailing or any way you choose to participate.

Preview KEW Episode 68: Accountability

Accountability:

the quality or state of being accountable

especially  an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions

So, yeah, that first one’s lame because it references a definition with at least 7 meanings. The especially part gets pretty close, though.

How do you feel about accountability? Personally, I’m a huge fan.

In fact, I will go so far as to say one of my main complaints about the world is that people are often not held accountable for their actions.

By this I mean a few specific things:

-There should be consequences for our actions, and even thoughts.

-We should feel responsible for our actions and thoughts.

-That it should be understood that we do this FOR each other and not TO each other.

Accountability helps us make better choices; for ourselves and for our communities. It is an essential part of the agreements we make together.

I know, for example, that when my behavior, beliefs, thoughts, and actions are more public (as in, other people know about them) then I feel responsible for being authentic about myself (See Episode 67: Authenticity)

If you look back at Episode 10: Connectedness you will see the seeds of these agreements. Because, like it or not, we are all in this together.

Full Episode this Friday, right here on KEW.

KEW Episode 53: Are vs. Should Examples

As we move forward trying to discern the gist of the Are vs. Should Problem, I want to describe both the general dilemma and share a few specific examples. Generally speaking, you know you are in the Are vs. Should Problem when you experience discomfort, cognitive dissonance, anxiety, fear, anger, and other uncomfortable emotions. Of course, there could be many causes for these states of mind and it’s ALWAYS hard to identify the cause. It’s like when my kids get sick I always want to know where and when they picked up the virus or bacteria. We are all Sherlock Holmes to some degree and need to know WHY things happen. With the Are vs Should Problem it is difficult because the symptoms are so universal.

On the other hand, it could be that any discomfort, to some degree, is RELATED to the Are vs. Should problem and I make the assumption that this is nearly always the case. Despite the multitude of things that can happen to a human and the variety of reactions we can have, I’ll argue that the cognitive dissonance related to these reactions is in part a result of the struggle between who you ARE and who you think you SHOULD BE.

If you look at the Episodes I have recorded, you will see the Are vs. Should problem at work in many forms. Analysis Paralysis is something we all experience where we can’t make a decision, get anxious, and lose the ability to move forward. To some degree, this is a result of the conflict between what the person we ARE would do, and what society/family/job tells us we SHOULD do. We all experience internal conflict and Doubt about our decisions and what the outcomes will be. This is the essence of the Are vs. Should problem. Similarly, struggles between narcissists and codependents epitomize the ARE and SHOULD extremes between two different people where each person is struggling between extremes of selfishness and caretaking.

Though I can’t yet offer distinct solutions about which voice to listen to, I do know that this struggle is fairly universal. I talk about this in episode about different vs. the same. I think this is because the struggle between these competing personalities (ARE vs. SHOULD) can be isolating and lead us to spend a lot of time ‘in our heads’ and at the very least we need to be aware of how isolating this struggle can be. When we are in our heads, we are feeling more pressure from the SHOULD and need to get more inside our ARE. Think about it, who is the voice in your head most of the time? Who are you talking to? Who are you?? The more in your head you are, the more ‘should’ you are being.

Which person do you want to be? This is where we will be headed in future episodes. This is the type of person you are being – but is it the type of person you want to be?? Who do you REALLY want to be? The are or the should? This dissonance can be mild or critical. This is what the personal inventory is all about, identifying and ranking your traits and prioritizing what to do about it.

In this episode I share a few examples ranging from fairly benign to critically important. Struggles between the ARE and SHOULD can create chronic anxiety, stress, and fear. Do you want to live in a state of anxiety all the time? Our perspectives about gender roles or blue and pink jobs can greatly influence some people’s choices and experiences. Isn’t it important we figure out what matters to us as individuals and each other? Does it really matter if a woman wears pants to work or makes as much money as her male counterparts? Some times it most certainly does matter, and the potential outcomes are disastrous. Other times it might not matter so much. It comes down to the type of society we want to live in and be (see the Dream Bigger Episode) and what rules we think are worth defending, and which ones are not.

The first step, again, is to lay out your Personal Inventory prioritize each item, and decide what matters. This will determine your personal values and beliefs.

In upcoming episodes I will discuss how these personal values lead to society-level norms, rules, and laws. I will start to dissect how the ARE and SHOULD come to be, and ultimately, how learning not to care what people think goes a long way to choosing which voices you want to hear.

Download podcast audio directly here: https://pdcn.co/e/https://chtbl.com/track/CGDA9D/www.buzzsprout.com/530563/8825673-kew-episode-53-are-vs-should-examples.mp3?download=true

or please subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, and Amazon Music.

YouTube video link here: https://youtu.be/3qsX4oFjsHs

Preview KEW Curiosity Interview Series 9: Marcas Hemmila

Marcas Hemmila is on a mission to help you grow, get unstuck, and ignite a fire in your life. His background is super interesting as he has been in the military and was a computer programmer, but is now spreading hope and help across the internet. So he brings with him a cool combination of leadership, a scientific mind, and a genetic predisposition to help people.

He is putting out incredible content daily on tiktok, instagram, an explosive YouTube channel with longer content, and has a website with links to all of his content including a podcast. You can find him by searching for “Discover Ignite” or just go to https://discoverignite.com.

Marcas wants you to Discover Ignite. To learn about your self and to create the life you want. I discovered when I joined Linkedin and HAD to find out more about him. In the 9th installment of my Curiosity interview series you get to meet Marcas, find out what motivated him to discover and ignite his own life, and learn more about his message.

Here’s a preview of the interview:

Full episode with podcast audio (download direct, or subscribe via your favorite podcast app!) and YouTube video coming this Friday at http://www.chrisburcher.com