Does this sound like you?

This phrase keeps running around in my head:

Hyper-Vigilant Perfectionist Mind-Reading Empath

It isn’t complete, but it broadly sums up fifteen years of therapy. It describes me, my childhood, and my healing struggle.

And I wonder if it describes others as well. That’s the point of this article. To share what I have learned with those who may be on a similar path. Don’t we all hope our stories help other people learn something about themselves?

At the risk of doing the neurodivergent ‘sharing too much’ thing, or talking too much about myself, please allow me to dissect what this descriptive phrase means.

Hyper-Vigalant

This one is huge. If you are someone who feels exhausted all the time, this may be you. If you harbor resentment toward others because they can’t see how awesome you are and how hard you are trying, this might also be you. If you spend a lot of time trying to be a good person, well, you get the picture.

Hyper-Vigilance can result from unmet childhood needs. It certainly did for me. I don’t know if it was my neurodivergence, but I never had enough information as a kid. As a result, I never understood what was going on or what was expected of me. Early on I wondered if everyone else got some guidebook to life that I hadn’t received.

My confusion was worsened by the dissonance created when my parents said one thing but seemed to think or feel another. I call this ‘talking out of both sides of your mouth’. An example might be someone disappointed with you but saying that was ok.

Like, don’t lie, I can see you are upset.

No, I’m fine.

Confusion, I think, leads us to try harder. Kids, and adults, want to feel safe, and we’ll do whatever it takes to get there. No matter how hard we have to try.

Perfectionist

If you’ve read this far, you probably get this one big time. Where Hyper-Vigilance is paying all of your attention to other people so you can better understand what is going on, Perfectionism is making sure you get it right. Because this is a pathway to our safety, it is critically important we get this correctly.

Accuracy is how close to the target we get, and perfectionism demands accuracy. But because we don’t know where the target is, we never know if we are accurate. So what do we do? We double down. We triple down.

Perfectionism is a negative feedback monster. Because we can’t define perfect, we never stop aiming. We never stop trying to hit the right part of the target.

It’s like the ‘Bring Me a Rock’ parable. This happens when people are not clear about their needs or expectations and expect you to figure them out. When your parents never appear happy or loving around you, even if they say they are, you might wonder what you are doing wrong. You might wonder what is wrong with you.

When you don’t know what the target is, you keep bringing them a new rock, hoping this time it is the right one. It never ends because they don’t know what they want, either.

Mind-Reading

This element is the most upsetting because it reeks of arrogance. But it isn’t our fault and requires maximum self-compassion.

When people, especially parents of young children, don’t communicate well this forces mind-reading. Most children aim to please, want to be good, and yearn for understanding. When the information to satisfy these needs is not present, we make it up. Is there any other choice?

When we are forced to anticipate other people’s needs, we attempt the impossible. It is impossible to read another person’s mind. Worse, it is non-consensual. It is arrogant and invasive to force our way into how other people are feeling or what they need.

As kids, sometimes we have no choice but to try and read minds. If this makes us feel safe and meets our need to understand, this is adaptive. As adults, however, communication is the path toward understanding each other. But if we don’t learn these skills as children, it can be much harder to adjust.

Empath

Being empathetic to other people’s feelings and needs is not a bad thing. It is hard to argue that not having empathy could be a bad thing. We often accuse people of being narcissists because they lack empathy. Not having empathy is maladaptive because we are all connected and share the same families, societies, governments, and the biosphere.

Being an empath, however, is a slippery slope. Overly empathetic people often suffer from one or more of the aforementioned issues. When an empathetic person has poor boundaries, doesn’t understand what their parents need from them, and tends toward perfectionism things can get out of hand quickly.

Too much empathy leads to loss of Self. When we try so hard to be aware of others, we lose awareness of our person. We forget that we have needs when we try so hard to please others. We become so exhausted trying to understand what is going on in a world lacking sufficient information that we don’t have energy left for ourselves.

Having the ‘right’ amount of empathy is critical. As with any of the above issues, a ‘Goldiloxian’ approach is key. Many of us end up in the ‘too hot’ or ‘too much’ zone when we need to find ‘just right’. We don’t have to worry so much about ‘too cold’.

If you look closely, and if you have ever had any therapy, you will see the foundation of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy here. The irrational behaviors and limiting beliefs around these elements are maladaptive. Many of us reach adulthood not having developed the skills necessary to coexist with other people. We fall back on the things that worked for us as kids.Unfortunately, the skills that got us through childhood create more problems than they solve when we are adults. Some of this is because many of the people we interact with did not grow up like us, and other problems are because they did.

In the end, the solution is effective communication.

We can’t choose our parents or their trauma. Many of us grew up not learning how to communicate. As adults, the red flags we find in therapy are guideposts pointing out the things we didn’t learn. In this way, we are lucky to have the opportunity to reparent our inner children to minimize our trauma. With help, we might even break the cycle and help others in the process.