Can We Stop Enabling?

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

― Charles Bukowski

Do you ever think about this? Can you think of an example from your life?

Sometimes, it seems we’re surrounded by idiots. 

And they’re loud. This ‘false arrogance’ is annoying. But what’s more annoying is that we introverts and neurodivergents are often so under-confident that we are never heard. 

What is even worse is that these idiots become our leaders. We worship confidence, arrogance, and status. This, of course, is the source of many problems because these folks are selected for positions of power. Why are we surprised when the greedy become gluttonous?

Why do we not honor traits like kindness, empathy, and connection? A lot of this is fear. We are afraid to speak up. We are scared of ruffling feathers. We worry about what might happen if we interrupt, disagree, or speak our minds. It’s a travesty.

The system is oppressive

By design, gluttonous rulers gain and maintain power. The system requires non-leaders to be complicit, to elect these leaders, and to value the characteristics that make them so bad at leading. The conspiracy lover in me believes this is entirely intentional. 

Partners, parents, politicians, and bosses. Authoritarians, dictators, militant leaders. These power differential relationships are not only common, but they also dominate.

In one way, we are simply playing our role in the governance systems of human society. From another viewpoint, if we do not reject the undeservedly arrogant, we are complicit in their remaining in power. We are enablers. We choose to be led by assholes.

The good news is, that these authoritarians have no power if we can stop enabling.

Taking the bone away from the pit bull

It makes perfect sense that the oppressors are drunk with power. We even understand and forgive their trespasses. All types of misdeeds are forgiven as being part of a leadership personality. We expect our oppressors to oppress. 

This power is just too much. Like heroin or iPhones, it is impossible to resist once you’ve had a taste. Once a person who values power, status, and money gains access to these things, it becomes a runaway train. Nothing can stop them.

The first step is taking away their power. But how do we do that?

What are the alternatives?

Our current societies are governed by the wrong values. We admire those who seek and master power, status, and money. Usually, these folks are characterized as being aggressive, arrogant, and controlling. To change the leaders we must first change our values.

Animals and plants interact through cooperation and competition. Some groups form partnerships in pseudo-egalitarian es whereas others opt for extreme hierarchy. Both cooperation and competition have been chosen through natural selection as effective means of regulating groups.

It is time we choose a more cooperative and less competitive approach. There are too few winners under our current competition models. What is voting if not a competition? A solution I propose frequently is simply not to elect anyone who wants to be in government. 

To change anything, we must first take the bone away from the pit bull. Power is addictive and no one who has it is going to give it up willingly. Unfortunately, the system makes it nearly impossible for us enablers to do anything about it because we have no power. It isn’t easy to leave an abusive relationship. It’s a trap. 

But we must take the power away. Ending the enabling slays the dragon. 

Help ourselves, help each other

The first step is for those of us more fortunate to help ourselves. I preach about a practice that facilitates healing and includes journaling, therapy, meditation, mindfulness, and healthy living. These journeys are unique to each of us and, in my opinion, our responsibility.

The next step is for those more able to help those less able. Some of us suffer less from oppression. The global north, for example, has gained all the benefits of using fossil fuels. This leg up can be used to help leverage smaller countries to build the necessary infrastructure to be able to care about things like government.

Those of us not in abusive relationships can connect with centers designed to help abused spouses leave unhealthy relationships. We can help adults learn to read. 

We help ourselves, then we can help each other. This nurtures connectivity and cooperation. It forms the foundation of a bottom-up takeover and redistribution of power.

In my perfect world, all voices will be heard with equanimity. 

The one-dimensional, self-serving, obnoxious voices will be ignored by most rather than supported. We can get there by cooperating.

It’s the hardest thing we do because it is overthrowing the system designed to keep us complicit. 

This ain’t gonna be easy.

Podcast episode 173: Can We Stop Enabling?

YouTube version: Can We Stop Enabling?