Preview KEW Episode 53: Are vs. Should Examples

I’m struggling a bit at the beginning of the Are vs. Should Problem I have been discussing in Episodes 51-53. So far, I have introduced the problem; that we all struggle with the person that we ARE and the person we think we SHOULD BE. I have described the first step toward a solution in taking a Personal Inventory. Next, I tried to begin the process of examining the personal inventory by separating items as being described by Hard and Soft realities. This may not make perfect sense yet, but I promise it will.

In Episode 53, the fourth installment, I share a handful of examples and situations for you to ponder in your own life or others’ lives. Situations where you may experience the dichotomy of Are vs. Should. There are infinite examples, but this is one of those things that our minds, or our Ego, can talk us out of. We protect ourselves from being aware of the Are vs. Should by living in the Should. (I suppose there are those who live in the Are, and I am envious and very curious to know more about those people). The Should mind beats us up. It tells us we are not good enough. It convinces us that people look down on us and that our shortcomings are things we have to cover up or change. The Should mind is a bully.

The Are mind can appear to be a push over, childish, or be hidden from view by the overpowering Should bully. In other words, the Are side of us is sometimes hard to see. The personal inventory is one means of examining ourselves objectively, and determining whether an item or experience or belief belongs on the Are vs. Should side.

Hopefully, this weeks’ Episode will be helpful during the examination process. Full Episode coming Friday.

Kew Episode 42: Safety

Recently I discovered, or I guess RE-discovered, my 13 year old self around the time I moved from Georgia to Ohio. I figured this was an important time in my life and have always wondered how it might have affected me. By exploring my feelings and thoughts, from my heart instead of my mind, I remembered my bedroom and what it represented.

I realized that I had created this spot, at least partly, in response to some experiences with the outside world. See, I was bullied quite a bit as a kid. And I’m not looking for sympathy about that, I’m trying to illustrate how life-changing being bullied can be and hopefully relate to others that have had similar experiences or know people who have.

I had constructed a safe place where I could be me because sometimes being me in the real world was painful. What’s super cool about this, is realizing what a healthy response to bullying this was! Our reactions to negative experiences can be all kinds of things, good and bad, but creating a safe place seems to be at the top of the good list. Instead of changing who I was, I just protected it – and continued to be myself, but in an environment I could control.

The downside is that I never really dealt with being bullied, and I isolated myself from a lot of outside experiences. Because my room was so safe, I spent a lot of time there while my peers were doing social activities. This, of course, isn’t all bad, but i carried some of those fears into adulthood. I also learned to identify myself as a lone wolf and continued to seek safety by isolating myself.

The universal lesson here is how much we need to feel safe, and that when we aren’t we can create actual safe spaces but also the illusion of safety. On the good side there are things like creating a comfortable home and family environment where people we love know who we are and around whom we can be ourselves. The bad side is turning to alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, or whatever to create the illusion of control or safety. I guess I’m pretty lucky that this 13 year old kid made some pretty decent decisions.

How about you? Do you have safety in your life?

Podcast audio download here: https://pdcn.co/e/https://chtbl.com/track/CGDA9D/www.buzzsprout.com/530563/8020573-kew-episode-42-safety.mp3?blob_id=36014412&download=true or via your favorite podcast app.

YouTube video here: https://youtu.be/0APL404G-N4

Preview KEW Episode 42: Safety

One of our basic human needs is to feel safe. I realized recently that I created my own safety as a kid in response to bullying. My thirteen-year-old self built a protective cocoon my bedroom filled with all the things I loved and valued. Maybe all teenagers do this, but looking back at those years I realized how necessary it was. Here’s this kid who’s feeling alone and isolated because he’s being bullied and doesn’t know how to do anything about it. So instead of getting depressed or acting out, he builds a place where he can feel safe, has value, and matters.

And though our lives change as we mature, those longings never go away. As an adult I an no longer bullied but carry the scars of isolation and reduced self-esteem. In some ways I have overcome those issues, yet in other ways I have not. And though i feel safe with my family and friends, I’d really like to feel the safety of my thirteen-year-old bedroom again.

It all makes me wonder, does our need for safety change as we age? Does it ever go away? Should it?

Preview video here: https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=353397339094032

Full episode Friday