You know how they say you gotta give a little to get a little? Trade-offs are like that. In the biological world, organisms make trade-offs daily. Should I run out and grab that rabbit? If I get it I’ll eat, but I could also get eaten by a predator. Or, as it’s related to the Are vs Should Problem or personal growth in general, what scary stuff are you going to have to put up…
What beliefs are you carrying around that no longer serve you? Maybe you grew up in a religious household but no longer practice. Maybe you were told that non-white people were bad, but you never understood why. Maybe you believed you had to do whatever people told you to do and lost your sense of self along the way. We learned a lot of things as kids (and as adults!), but no one ever asked…
Where do you stand on the whole ‘personal responsibility’ issue? I always assumed that I had to take care of my own stuff. I made my choices and had to deal with them. When I had kids, everyone kept telling me, ‘it takes a village’, and I honestly didn’t understand what they were talking about. I guess I’ve always been a lone wolf – but I don’t necessarily like that about myself. So there’s like…
Do you struggle with relationships? I did for a long time. I went through a divorce in 2010 and that kickstarted an interesting adventure in dating and thinking about companionship in general. Luckily, I met a wonderful woman and remarried. But the five years I spent uncoupled were hard, to say the least. Antia Boyd helps women figure out why they struggle with relationships. Whether you struggle with relationships or not, there is universal learning…
Have you ever heard anyone say, ‘it takes a village’? Man, I have. And I wish I understood earlier what they meant. When I was a full time stay-at-home dad, I felt totally isolated. My wife works 50+ hours a week. My parents were too old and far away to help. Her parents were too busy taking care of their other grandchildren. I wasn’t very good at navigating the moms at the playground or at…
You know how some people are able to turn lemons into lemonade? That’s Antia Boyd. And it’s An-Tia, not A-nita. I was so excited to learn about how Antia’s work translates to the Are vs Should Problem. She came so well prepared to talk about her work empowering women to stop chasing the wrong partners. It turns out, her work and her expertise align perfectly with what I am trying to do with the Are…
If you’re a parent you know that parenting is a thankless job. When I interviewed Pat Schulte, we talked about how the lack of accolades can be a problem for remote workers (BTW, you should go listen to that interview now. Pat is amazing.) And, more generally, it is these accolades and rewards we end up building our entire lives around. Let’s take just one reward: money. Jobs and making money are important, yes. To…
If you don’t like this question, you aren’t alone. Not many people like talking about, much less admitting, what they are afraid of. But I have found, in my work and over a decade meeting with therapists and coaches, that fear is a HUGE motivator. It turns out that a lot of our behaviors and beliefs are rooted in fears. In the Internal Family Systems model, we talk about ‘parts’ of ourselves that are born…
I know, I know. You’re not afraid of anything. None of us are, right? But if you are willing to let down your guard, I think you will see that, like everyone else, there are things that scare you. In fact, I argue that many of our issues, problems, and stresses are ultimately caused by fear. The problem is, this isn’t obvious. Usually we get mad about something, or feel judged by someone, or blame…
Toxic masculinity. The #metoo movement. Sexual harassment throughout the headlines. Cancel culture. What is a person to do? Are the gender definitions changing? Surely they are. Most words and things do change (and in these two episodes I argue for why this is natural and critical: https://chrisburcher.com/2021/09/03/kew-episode-61-the-are-vs-should-problem-change-is-hard-but-resisting-change-is-wrong/, https://chrisburcher.com/2021/09/10/kew-episode-62-change-cont/), so why wouldn’t our definitions of masculinity, femininity, and everything in between? But I’m a male and that’s what I know and have at least a limited…