I don’t deserve flowers

Seahorses, am I right? You know, the male carries the newly hatched offspring in his pouch. We think it’s great when the dad steps in and participates in the parenting.

“What a guy!” we say.

“That’s amazing!”

“Look at that dad alone with his kids!”

Being a male primary caregiver is weird.

I am shamed by traditionalists, praised by grandmothers, and envied by my male peers. Maybe I’m just like everyone else, but it doesn’t feel that way.

Mr. Mom

Stay-at-home dad

Housewife

Homemaker

Caregiver

We use phrases like these to refer to parents whose primary role is caring for their children.

Wait. Isn’t that the definition of parenting? Why can’t we say, ‘parenting’, then? I mean, I get ‘caregiver’ because not all parents are related to their children by blood. We use terms like guardian or responsible party, but I still think parent is the right word.

Once you open your mind a bit to what a parent is, we can extend that to the community

Indeed, we used to do this quite literally.

If there’s one thing I have learned from parenting, it is that it takes a village. Unfortunately, we no longer have the village. Worse, we purchase or defer the role of village to day cares or educational facilities. Mostly, so parents can both work to earn enough money to afford kids.

This is much like the Fisherman’s Parable. Briefly, a banker tries to persuade a fisherman to monetize his hobby so he can enjoy his life. But the fisherman already enjoys his life. His wealth is measured in contentment and not money. I think modern parents could learn a lot from this parable.

Humans used to understand these things

Parenting was a role played by many members of a community, not just biological relations. Investing in future community members is, after all, important to everyone. We used to prioritize relationships over money. All that has changed.

Traditional gender roles are changing very quickly, but perception is not. My life experience was dominated by equality among races, genders, and nearly all elements of humanity. I came into a world polarized by the traditionalists and the more modern (or, I argue, more indigenous) attitudes toward diversity.

Traditional parenting roles are artifacts of the colonialist patriarchy. Period. Recently, I realized this is why I became a male homemaker.

Why I chose this life

When my first wife and I had kids we were unprepared. Despite my multiple degrees in biology, I was largely unaware that we might get pregnant. I was young and dumb and wasn’t paying much attention.

I remained unaware as we had two more kids. But I realized that to parents trying to build careers was incongruent with also wanting to be a good parent. I didn’t have the bandwidth to be the primary caregiver and pursue a career. I imagine many moms can relate to this.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to be a present parent. I’m sure it was related to how I grew up and my family-of-origin dynamics. My mom stayed home and my dad worked. A typical 70s family unit. I didn’t have a great relationship with my dad and was much closer to my Mom. If these two represented my parenting options, I wanted to be more like my Mom.

Though we didn’t realize it, our differing attitudes toward parenting would lead to divorce. I wanted to be present and she wanted to put the kids in daycare, school, clubs, and sports. No judgment, just different. My decision to stay home, I realized in hindsight, would be our families’ demise.

My oldest is 22 as I write this and I often reflect about my decision to stay home. With two decades to ponder this, I realize I was rebelling. I have always been a rebel and will choose the unpopular path nearly every time. In the case of parenting, I wanted to make a difference. To be a different parent. To help create change.

I grew up in an era of increasing potential for equality. The civil rights movement peaked just before my birth year. The ERA, for those who remember, was very active. The 60s hippie revolution had just happened. 1969 was a significant moment in American change potential.

I’ll never know why I long for change. It could be Autism. It could be a rebellious streak. It could be trauma-related. For whatever reason, I wanted to be a part of the change instead of part of the problem. Maybe this is why it was so easy for me to quit a promising career to be a homemaker. I’ve written more about this if you are interested.

I’m no hero

Gender roles are not fair. They don’t make any sense. We are more similar than we are different, but we choose to maximize the differences rather than embrace the similarities.

When my kids were young, I was often the only dad at the kids’ events. In the car rider line (pure hell). At the playground. At ballet. At the school. This changed a bit as my kids grew and is much different for my much younger daughter. But the change is slow.

I get a lot of undeserved praise for ‘being a dad’. My presence appeals to people, though I am doing nothing different than any of the moms. I am just present. Unfortunately, that is enough of a shock to be meaningful.

I’m not sure how present I was, however. Much of my ‘dadding’ was filled with longing. For something else. For other adults to talk to. For some sort of stimulation. For some peace. For ANYTHING besides being around kids most of the time. I want people to understand that though I was willing to play this role, I was also very reluctant.

The dissonance created by my desire to be a good parent and my inability to execute that also led to my divorce. My first wife called me a martyr. While I won’t go this far, I do recognize that I was often frustrated. I complained a lot. I played the victim to my own choices. I do not love being a primary caregiver and miss the selfish joys of a successful career. But I still choose my role.

Equality, equivalence, and equanimity

Not everyone has the freedom to choose. I am fortunate to be able to address one of my top values of equality. I want the world to change. I want to maximize diversity. I want to walk the talk that humans need to de-prioritize money, status, and power in favor of love, relationships, and equanimity.

I value equality, equivalence, and equanimity because this is Nature’s way. Biological systems seek homeostasis. Balance. Biological systems represent variation around a mean. The variation is necessary, and promoted by evolutionary mechanisms, to support shifts in the mean over time. This is how evolution led to us.

It makes sense to me that all people are equal. Not just in a line from a great speech, but in reality. Yes, we are different. We come from different parts of the world with different cultures and beliefs. But our main beliefs, our values, should align. Values of love, relationships, and equanimity make sense of the human species ‘wants’ to persist.

My decision to be a homemaker, in some subconsciously weird way, is my contribution to walking that talk.

Comparison to female homemakers

Like I said, other moms love a stay-at-home dad. I think it is because they wish their husbands were better dads. But this isn’t reality for most of us. Someone needs to work and earn money to support the family. It’s the fisherman’s parable, again.

It’s hard to have both and I empathize with modern moms who also want a career. Few are selfish enough not to worry about being a good parent. Some have no choice but to work multiple jobs in trade for more parenting time. Moms have it the toughest.

Traditional masculine roles paint men as heroes regardless of our decisions. Due to our modern values of money, status, and power, working men are highly rewarded. Men aren’t expected to be good dads. Sometimes our mere presence gains higher praise than is ever bestowed upon any mother. It’s criminal in its inequality.

Modern parenting doesn’t work

The binary model of two parents; one working and one rearing children, doesn’t work. It never did. It has always taken a village. As with many societal nuances, we have traded Modernity for a better way.

Modernity has seen humans become more individualistic and less holistic. More disconnected and less connected. More dissatisfied and less content. Do we not see the price we have paid?

Parenting is one artifact of the mess we’ve made. Our attempts to outsource the village to (poorly) paid assistants in daycares, schools, and sports teams have failed. You don’t have to look very far to see this. But few do.

It’s time to change our perception and embrace diversity

Reality is changing, but our perception is not. This goes against every thread of evolution and ecology. This is contrary to every facet of life on Earth. Until we realize our mistakes, reprioritize our values, and start making better choices we are doomed. I’m not sure if I learned that from being a male homemaker or if I already knew it, but my choices have only strengthened my resolve. Can everyone say the same?

Luckily, it’s not complicated

All we have to do is think. Be self-aware. To understand the context that led to Modernity. To remember who we used to be. To see the consequences of our actions. To care. This is the revolution. It is bottom-up. It starts with us.

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