I had a massive epiphany today. Maybe it *shouldn’t* have been so massive. I say *shouldn’t* because I hate the word ‘should’, and have podcasted extensively on this topic, and written about it on Medium. But this article is about me, and maybe also about you. So either way, the epiphany is that I realized the source of several of my ‘issues’.

These issues may be relatable for you.

I seek esteem from outside myself.

I do this mostly by searching for jobs. I monitor several job sources daily, hoping the ‘perfect job’ will speak to me. I imagine myself applying and being hired, gaining the understanding that someone else values what I have to offer. Because I am a primary caregiver and gave up my career, I miss the sense of belonging and the associated esteem for being a valued member of a group outside my family.

I beat myself up for small ‘failures’.

My main membership is to my family where I am the primary caregiver. My wife works and I am essentially a stay-at-home dad who homeschools my youngest daughter. My wife and I share most of the responsibilities, but she is gone 40+ hours a week and I am alone with our daughter. My older daughters are in public school or college. Because this is the main source of my identity, small shortcomings I take very personally. My guess is this would improve if I had something outside my family to lean on and to help support my ego.

I have more to give, but no outlet to give it.

I love my family role. I don’t regret giving up my former career, nor do I want to re-enter that world. But I do have ideas. And thoughts. And ENERGY to put toward some other project that matches my interests and, ideally, meets some societal need. But what? And where?

I don’t want to build birdhouses. Or volunteer at an assisted-living facility. I don’t SEE in the world a target for my desires. I want to participate in a group of like-minded thinkers trying to address what I see as the ‘problems of humanity. What the hell is that even?

The closest examples I can think of are, my family and my former academic colleagues.

In my family, I have a defined role. I take care of stuff, supervise other humans, and provide love. I listen, pay attention, and am available. I’ve been doing this for 20 years and I think everyone involved is pretty satisfied.

In my academic career, I did research, wrote papers, and participated in a subset of the scientific community working on solutions to mutual issues.

There are several characteristics we can glean that are helpful in figuring out what I (we?) need.

• Meaningful work. I’d like to help address a problem, enhance understanding, and facilitate more comfort.
• A sense of belonging. I define this as both being needed and needing others. Again, united by a common goal(s).
• Free and open communication.

I’m sure I/we could expand this list, but these are a good start.

Knowing what we need is a great start. But now what?

My goal is to find a tribe and join it, but either I don’t know how or my efforts are faulty.

My first thought is that my interests are just too ‘fringe’.

I live in a small town in a rural county several hours away from a city. I, perhaps erroneously, believe that the probability of finding my group is reduced due to population density. Maybe I cop out, but I wonder if my tribe is so under-represented that I would never find the one or two people out of 50,000 with whom I align. I realize that is giving up before I start, but it is also about probability. Fishing from a stocked pond is more fruitful than in a river. Hopefully, I am wrong about how many of us belong to whatever tribe this is. I’d love to believe there are more. But I don’t know.

Many have suggested, and I believe them to be correct, that I could find my tribe online. And I try. I have a podcast where I do interviews. I write on Medium. I have a blog. But I do not like social media. Is this another cop-out? Must I sacrifice my personal values to find my tribe? Seems counterintuitive at best and inauthentic at the least. Plus, I tried social media (that’s how I know I don’t like it). I have been on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and even TikTok. I found it very difficult to make the kind of meaningful connections.

Even in my podcast interviews, which I thought would be a very personal and one-on-one way to forge new relationships. Most of my interviewees, whom I did not know prior, seemed to simply be looking to leverage my followers over to their social media. They should have checked me out first, lol.

A few thoughts on potential solutions to my (our) problem:

• Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.
• Maybe I need to sacrifice my values and use the tools available.
• Maybe my thoughts and ideas are just so fringe that no one cares.

I think the first one is out since here I am trying.

I also believe, perhaps erroneously, that I am being authentic by meeting my needs with the second one.

Last, I can’t believe there aren’t more of us out there. How many, I don’t know.

And so I’m stuck. A lost soul searching for a home. Can you relate? Should we start a club?

I’d love to think there exists out there a group. A group who would have me. Would appreciate me for who I am and for my mind. I envision a British pub where people of all colors, sizes, and beliefs share a pint or two (but no more) over thoughts. Where we can contemplate the world and our human-ness. Sometimes I think these places exist or used to exist, but they certainly don’t exist near me.

My more realistic fantasy is that there exists an online community that closely resembles this.

Does it?