analysis paralysis - Revolutionizing human evolution

You Don’t Need My Permission to Live

Do you ever feel like what you want to do goes against what society ‘wants’ you to do?

Like, maybe you want to be a painter, but your parents and your school tell you that you’ll never make any money.

Maybe you want to take a gap year after high school but your parents fear you’ll never go to college and, thus, never ‘amount to anything’.

Maybe you are attracted to people of your same sex but your religion tells you that’s wrong.

I think you get what I’m saying. It’s kind of like my ‘Are vs Should Problem’ and the many episodes I dedicated to figuring out who you ARE and who it is you feel like society, your parents, and your religion tell you you SHOULD BE.

So this episode is about that, but it’s also about a more general, yet pervasive, set of ‘rules’.

For me, this started very young, maybe six years old. I realized that, in order to live my life, I was going to have to spend that life working. I was surrounded by people who didn’t seem to like their jobs, so I also learned that working pretty much sucked.

Even at this early age, I realized life was about things I didn’t want to do.

I also realized that ‘society’, whatever that was, regulated the things I could and could not do. It was as if I had to get permission to be myself. Surely, many people can relate to this feeling.

The most basic form of permission is working to earn money to pay for your life.

How awful is that?

I’m not sure what initiated this feeling that I needed permission, but it is a fairly pervasive element in this life we live. If we are privileged enough to have a choice.

But we don’t need permission to live. The fact that we are lucky enough to be born is all the evidence we really need. I talk about this in Episode 99: The Uniqueness Imperative. But we miss that. Society, religion, family, work, and culture beg to differ. They want us to EARN our way, and I just can’t get behind that.

We don’t need permission to live.

If only it were that simple. I can tell you all day long that you don’t need permission to follow your dreams, date who you want, or wear whatever clothes you want — as long as you obey the Golden Rule and harm no one in the process. But it won’t do any good. The brainwashing, the INDOCTRINATION that you experienced is just too strong.

We really need to get away from the idea that earning money permits us to fulfill ourselves.

We deserve to get our needs met, as long as doing so doesn’t harm others. Though we don’t all have equal access to pursuing our dreams and needs, those of us that do owe it to everyone to try.

We owe it to our ancestors who suffered for our success. Whose traits were selected for and persist in us. Expressing these traits is the highest of achievements.

Yet, that’s not how we measure achievement.

We measure ‘success’ in the form of money. How effed up is that?

Money is just something we made up. Your DNA is what makes you you and links you to everyone else.

But you don’t have to play this game. You can do what you want. You can follow your own path. Listen to the beat of your own drummer. Listen to your heart. Whatever it means to you to be yourself. The person you ARE.

You have my permission. Not that you needed it.

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Radical Acceptance Can Help You Progress Through Life

Knowing yourself is an important part of being a complete human. Maybe this is just my opinion based on my own values, but it seems to be a theme. Throughout history there have been thinkers proclaiming the importance of knowing oneself.

To justify this conclusion we can look at the opposite side of the coin.

What is NOT knowing yourself like?

To me, not knowing yourself leads to lots of misbehaviors. Breaking societal norms (which arguable can be a good thing), committing crimes and not obeying laws, or just being an asshole. I think of ‘bad’ human behaviors as being associated with people to are clueless. Who lack self-awareness. Who don’t know themselves.

Because why would anyone do the wrong thing if they know they are doing the wrong thing? Out of desperation, probably. I understand that a starving person would steal bread. I don’t get why someone would commit hate crimes against outgroups. I assume that is, at least in part, a result of being clueless.

Anyway, this Episode is about knowing yourself. And I think to know ourselves we have to examine our choices. Especially the choices we didn’t know we were making.

As kids, we learned a lot of stuff. How to use a toilet. How to walk and talk. Hopefully, to be kind to people. This type of cultural conditioning and learning is important to a ‘good’ society.

We also learned about religion, history, and politics.

These subconscious and non-consensual teachings can become part of us. And I think it is a critical part of being human to become aware of what we chose and what we did not choose.

For example, some people believe in a Christian God who says being homosexual is wrong and punishable by being sent to hell. I wonder how many of these folks have ever really explored that belief. Taken it apart and thought about where it came from and what it actually means. I think much of this was non-consensual.

And so it’s important to take a personal inventory of what and why you believe what you do. This is a critical first step toward deconstructing and knowing yourself.

So Radical Acceptance is an interesting topic that follows from deciding to know yourself. Once you decide who you are and what you believe, you need to accept it. Of course, you are a dynamic individual who will change and grow, but you can monitor these changes and modify if necessary.

Accepting yourself AS YOU ARE, after you inventory and re-decide your beliefs, is one of the keys to personal growth.

Once you question your beliefs you create dissonance. Between the person you ARE and the person you WERE (or felt you ‘should be’). Because these disagreements can be polarizing and confusing, you must ACCEPT and KNOW yourself so you can remember the difference.

Old beliefs are so strong they will pull at you and try to convince you to come back. This ain’t easy.

Radical acceptance helps you remember yourself. And love who you are.

Remember you are ok.

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“How Do I Know What to Choose!?” FLASHBACK KEW Episode 11: Analysis Paralysis

If you haven’t experienced Analysis Paralysis you are my hero. I’ll have what you’re having.

For the rest of us, it’s just a matter of when, where, and how bad?

Amirite?

It’s such a terrible feeling to not be able to make a decision. But it sucks more to be so overwhelmed and anxious about the whole thing.

I remember, when I worked in a pet store, we had like 75 different fish foods. Customers would stand and stare at the wall of cans not knowing what to choose. Too overwhelmed to make a decision. Too scared to mess it up or pay too much. Many times I’d just grab one and say, ‘this is what you need’. Just to save them.

But fish food is benign. What if the analysis paralysis comes when trying to decide whether you should take a new job? Or get married? Or have kids!?

Life is full of major decisions and they all bring major stress. Not being able to, or knowing how to decide takes it up to a new level of suck.

A few things that help me are to try and rank the overall importance of the decision and the worst outcomes in the context of all of life’s experiences. Sometimes making yourself aware of the potential consequences, or ‘worst case scenario’ will calm you down if you realize it’s no big deal.

Of course, some things are huge deals and this contextualization doesn’t work.

In these cases I think it helps to realize that life is full of decisions, and just making one is almost always fine. Especially if you are doing your due diligence and thinking about various consequences. Chances are, whichever choice you make is going to work out. Plus you are sparing yourself the stress of the analysis! The key here is to realize you are making a decision to reduce your stress, and to remember that you can’t go back and wish you had made a different decision.

In truth, our lives can go infinite ways based on decisions we make, if we mean well, have good intentions, and pay attention the majority of these pathways are going to work out fine. It’s not about the decision, really, it’s about the path.

You can find the Episode on your favorite podcast app and the Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom YouTube channel or direct here:

Podcast audio: https://www.buzzsprout.com/530563/4399163-kew-episode-11-analysis-paralysis.mp3?blob_id=17177747&download=true

Youtube video:https://www.youtube.com/embed/gYcBOME-i7c?feature=oembed

Original post with here:

https://chrisburcher.com/2020/07/03/kew-episode-11-analysis-paralysis/

“Leaping into the Abyss Requires Faith, but Will Set You Free” KEW Episode 90: Improvisation, Yin-Yang, and the Grateful Dead

Have you ever had Analysis Paralysis, or been unable to make a decision?

I’m sure you have – it happens all the time. Basically, we have two or more options, but we can’t know for sure what the outcome of either decision will be.

Carlos Castaneda, in the books about Don Juan and the Toltecs, described this as leaping into an Abyss.

When my wife and I were contemplating marriage, we viewed our individual and collective futures as a leap into an Abyss. Were we both willing to take the risk of how we will fall or land? The answer was yes, and we have been married for almost seven years.

The key to this leap is faith. Like the adage, ‘a leap of faith’, faith requires you to let go of the ‘not knowing’ in lieu of a belief that things will work out ok.

This faith is the other side of knowing. It’s the opposite. The Yang to the Yin. The Darth Vader to the Luke Skywalker. It’s how the universe is made.

It’s also an agreement to take the good with the bad. Take my marriage. Not everything is unicorns and rainbows. We made an agreement to deal with the good and the bad, the ‘sickness and health’, of it all. We did NOT assume things would always be one way or the other. Because they aren’t. There is good and there is bad.

Take the Grateful Dead. They asked their audience to leap in to an abyss. Some shows might be great, others might not be. But the agreement states that everyone would be together and love one another regardless of the outcome. The WHOLE THING was about the journey and not the result.

This theme of focusing on the unfolding of life over the result or outcome is key here. It’s the point I’m trying to make.

If we surrender our need to KNOW the outcome, and focus on having FAITH that the outcome will be fine, or at least how it is meant to be, it frees us not only from worry but from not being able to enjoy the ride.

Like the Dead say, “I’m going to hell in a bucket, but at least I’m enjoying the ride”.

I hope I, and all of us, can remember to enjoy the ride and break the agreements focusing on positive results. When we start to believe things will be ok, they are.

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FLASHBACK! KEW Episode 4: Quiet vs. Distraction

Do you ever have trouble sleeping?

Do you sometimes struggle with what to do next? Analysis paralysis style?

How about when you are by yourself in a crowd. Do you feel like you have to pull out your phone?

Personally, I have trouble just ‘being’, sometimes.

And it’s really kind of funny, because deep down, that’s all I really want.

And I think a lot of us are like this.

We crave peace. Calm. Even solitude sometimes. Yet when we have these ‘quiet moments’, we don’t know what to do.

Well I’ll be the first one to say, it isn’t our fault. We’ve been surrounded by distraction our entire lives.

And it’s getting worse.

I’m not going to suggest we give up the internet and our smart phones, but these technological advancements come with a cost.

And that cost is our attention. We’ve lost control of it.

This Episode is exceptionally relevant to the Are vs Should Problem currently being discussed weekly on Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom.

Our relationship with ourselves is timeless.

Original post here with links to podcast and YouTube here: https://chrisburcher.com/2020/05/15/episode-4-quiet-vs-distraction/

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FLASHBACK! KEW Episode 60: The Are vs Should Problem – Jobs and Careers

Do you love your job? Are you happy with your career?

Many of us will answer no to both of these questions.

And it seems to me we visit these questions at two key moments in life:

When we leave the nest, usually around 18 years old
Sometime in midlife when we wonder how we got there. Maybe between 40 and 50 years old

Lucky for me, I’m almost 50 AND I have daughters who are 18 and 19. So I’m having my own moment and simultaneously and vicariously experiencing my daughters respective moments.

And it’s so messed up.

We put so much pressure on ourselves to balance our happiness with our financial comfort.

We measure safety in dollars.

We reduce possibility by focusing so narrowly on vocation.

And I get it. You gotta have money.

And, to some degree or another, money translates to safety, comfort, and happiness.

But also it doesn’t.

How many people do you know who are truly happy with their job or career AND their personal lives.

It’s like these things have become mutually exclusive.

As I watch my kids struggle with the ‘what do I want to do with my life‘ questions(s) I am saddened.

It’s like they’ve already conceded that their lives are going to suffer because they will pursue a job that makes them feel safe and financially secure.

I can see the sacrifices they have yet to make.

One daughter appears less constrained by the American Dream. More open to discovering her own way. I hope it lasts.

And I wish the other daughter could have a bit more of this . . . . naïveté? Belief? Hope?

Whatever it is, I wish we didn’t do this to our children. To ourselves.

In this Episode I explore why we do these things and hopefully provide some hope that we can do things differently and be more open minded about what makes a good life.

Original post here: https://chrisburcher.com/2021/08/27/kew-episode-60-the-are-vs-should-problem-jobs-and-careers/

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KEW Episode 75: How Do You Tell the Difference?

Do you ever ask yourself this question?

I have asked myself this question for as long as I can remember. In fact, I use this argument as a way to justify complaining. It’s not a habit I am proud of and I’m working on changing it. But I often find myself getting angry because I can’t find a definitive answer to whether something is good or bad or right or wrong.

Do you ever get to a point where you truly don’t know which option to choose? It’s a little bit like Analysis Paralysis, but different.

I often wrestle with whether or not I am being selfish or assertive. If I’m being honest, I often know whether I FEEL selfish or if I FEEL assertive, but I don’t know how OTHER people feel about it.

For example, my kids want to eat at an expensive chain restaurant I don’t like. I don’t enjoy spending the money for what I perceive to be very little value, but I don’t know whether that is a good reason to say no. Even in this case I can quickly get sucked into an internal argument about whether I am being unreasonable or not.

Another example might be related to work/life balance. Do I want to work extra to make more money even if it means missing out on family events? Am I being an insensitive dad or husband by working more? Or am I being a good provider?

It seems like there’s no way to know for sure. It often seems impossible to tell the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’.

And when it does seem like we know, it’s pretty easy to argue that it’s just an illusion. Don’t we just CHOOSE to know the difference, and choose the option that makes us look less bad?

And knowing the incentive to make ourselves look better, or to feel better, or to stop ruminating about whether the decision is good or bad – knowing that incentive it’s pretty easy to believe we are lying to ourselves.

The only thing I can figure is that it IS a choice. That, and it seems like deep down we ought to know.

But those are sort of ‘Are’ vs ‘Should‘ arguments, aren’t they? How do we know if we are in our ‘are’ or if we are ‘shouldding’ ourselves?

Ultimately, it must be some sort of internal decision. Either we choose to do things differently because we are wrong, choosing incorrectly, selfish, or whatever. Or we choose to accept our decisions and choices as being motivated by good intentions. It’s sort of the innocent until proven guilty thing.

And like last week when I talked about Self-Compassion, I would think it is healthier to default to treating ourselves well and not beating ourselves up. It seems like being kind to ourselves is a good thing.

And it also seems like we really would know when we are doing wrong. It seems like guilt after the fact, or regret, or hindsight would reveal if we were truly doing something that disagreed with our values or the way we want to live our lives.

It seems like we’d know. Only it is hard to know!

Over the next few Episodes I am going to dig in to some of this more thoroughly.

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Podcast audio direct download: https://pdcn.co/e/https://chtbl.com/track/CGDA9D/www.buzzsprout.com/530563/9667055-kew-episode75-how-do-you-tell-the-difference.mp3?download=true

YouTube video link: https://youtu.be/2qDJTWCOl64

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FLASHBACK! KEW Episode 53: Are vs Should Examples

If you think about any element in your life you can probably see an example of the Are vs Should Problem.

Sometimes it looks like indecision or Analysis Paralysis (and see Episode 11: Analysis Paralysis).

Other times it feels like frustration or anger.

In my experience I feel like I am ‘of two minds’ where I hear two competing voices telling me to do entirely different things.

What are the important elements in your life?

Family?

Should you go to the ballet recital or out with your friends?

Career?

Should you take the high paying job in a big city or the modest pay in a rural town?

Hobbies?

Can I afford to buy new golf clubs or put the money toward my kids college fund?

Money?

Save or spend?

Love?

Is this about lust or building a life together?

The most obvious example to me is about our jobs and careers.

I believe if you think about any of these things you will feel for yourself that *pull* between the two sides. Almost like the proverbial devil and angel on your shoulder telling you what to do.

Many of us want to paint. Or act. Or write. Or play professional sports.

But the vast majority talk ourselves out of those paths in lieu of a safer route to make enough money to survive.

Because we feel like we *SHOULD* do that.

And many of us then hit midlife, look at ourselves and wonder how the hell we got here.

Here’s the original post with links to the full podcast audio download and the YouTube video: https://chrisburcher.com/2021/07/09/kew-episode-53-are-vs-should-examples/

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FLASHBACK! KEW Episode 50: The Are vs. Should Problem

The beginning of my investigation into the ‘Are vs. Should Problem’, or the struggle many of us experience between the person we ARE and the person we feel like we SHOULD BE.

Have you ever experienced this? Most people I ask say, ‘doesn’t everyone?’. But I really don’t know. All I can say is that I, personally, often feel like I have a natural reaction to a given situation or decision that is intimately coupled with one or more alternative decisions. Usually that first inclination comes from what I feel is ‘me’, while the alternatives come from . . . somewhere else.

I believe we get ‘shoulded’ by our families, our churches, our schools, our jobs, our neighborhoods, our cultures, and other ‘outside’ sources.

And by ‘shoulded’, I mean that we are taught norms and rules that we are supposed to obey, whether they make sense to us or not. And the struggle, or the dissonance, occurs when our ‘feelings’ differ from what we are taught.

The example I always use, and what started it for me, is about work. Most of us are taught that we have to work at least 40 hours a week at some kind of 9-5 job in order to live our lives. Personally, I have always rejected this notion and am convinced there is another way. I don’t understand why so many institutions impose this sort of norm. My ‘are’ says I can justify my existence, make a contribution to society, and earn money to support myself by working 20-30 hours a week on my own schedule as long as i get my work done. And usually this is MORE than most people would do in their 40 hour 9-5. But, the ‘should’ of the career world just doesn’t support this notion and I have a conflict. And a struggle.

Maybe that’s a bad example, but I go into much more depth in this episode and the following 18, so far, where I get into the details.

Original post here: https://chrisburcher.com/2021/06/18/kew-episode-50-are-vs-should/

Thank you for your comments, follows, and subscriptions.

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KEW Episode 11: Analysis Paralysis

You definitely know about this one. So many choices when making a decision that you get overwhelmed. So overwhelmed, sometimes, that you can’t even MAKE the decision and end up stuck; paralyzed. Mostly, I think, it’s fear that keeps us stuck. Kind of like the Fear of Missing Out (FOMO).

But I think the biggest contributor to the old AP is believing there is only one right answer. I don’t think that’s true. Moreso, choosing to believe that isn’t true can greatly reduce the need to over analyze.

Podcast audio:

https://www.buzzsprout.com/530563/4399163-kew-episode-11-analysis-paralysis.mp3?blob_id=17177747&download=true

Youtube video: