How Can We Be More Gentle With Ourselves?

Gentleness, precision, and letting go.

Pema Chodron, in ‘The Wisdom of No Escape’, shares with us a secret formula for life. I see it now as an almost mathematical equation describing the hidden homeostatic mechanism balancing what it means to be human. It goes a little something like this….

Life requires that we be both gentle and precise with ourselves. Gentleness, or self-compassion, means we don’t berate ourselves or beat ourselves up when we fail. We accept the good and bad. We try our best, but realize that we will fail. Adding extra suffering to already suffering souls makes no sense. 

Many of us believe that beating ourselves up, worrying about the future, or agonizing over every decision allows us to predict and thus control the future. Gentleness, then, is an antidote to the type of trauma response. 

Precision is also required. We can’t just live our lives as hethans. Hedonistically choosing only what we want in all of the moments. Most of us don’t do that, but some do. Those folks need a little more precision in their lives. More rules, norms, or laws to help define a common road and facilitate cooperation and coexistence. Sometimes you gotta do things you don’t want to do for the ‘greater good’. 

Letting go is the ultimate goal, but unlike precision and gentleness, it is also one we have little control over. We can be more precise in our lives. We can find more discipline. Wake up earlier, spend more hours doing tasks, and be kinder to each other. We can also be more gentle. We can learn to treat ourselves as we treat our friends. We can refrain from berating ourselves when we fail. 

Creating more or less precision and gentleness is the epitome of being human. Unhealthy? Teach yourself to be precise with your diet. Traumitized by shame? Learn not to beat yourself up. The majority of nonacademic adult learning and growth can be placed into these broad categories, can’t it?

Life, then, is a homeostatic regulation – or balancing – of precision and gentleness, in Ms. Chodron’s and probably the Buddha’s words.

And though most of us struggle with one or the other, the goal isn’t to master a single element. The goal of life is a natural homeostatic balance between gentleness and precision. Knowing when to put your head down and do the work and when to trust your gut. Understanding ourselves and our trauma is one way to gain insight about which side we need to work on. 

Yes, thankfully, most of us do pretty well with either precision OR gentleness. Like many, I live in a cloud of shame learned over a lifetime of experience and reiteration of limiting beliefs. I need a lot more gentleness in my life, but part of me believes that I am weak and vulnerable. 

Others, particularly those who feel victimized, lack the precision necessary to see things clearly and truly learn about themselves and their trauma. Too much gentleness is equally unproductive and isolating.

Mastering both precision and gentleness is necessary to find homestasis. Learning when to work harder and when to back off is mastery. It’s like driving a coach with two differently skilled horses. Learning to balance the two together will provide the smoothest ride. Focusing on one or the other is sure to leave you uncomfortable.

The beauty Pema shares is that the letting go part emerges as a result of the precision and the letting go. In other words, you can’t just let go. Try as you might, letting go isn’t something you DO. It is more something that you become.

Letting go is an emergent property of the mystical combination – the homeostatic balance – of following your own path. The dharma talk tells us what we can control and what we cannot. And, most importantly, the thing we want the most is what we control the least. And to master ourselves we must release control. Or, more accurately, we must focus control on tertiary elements of a bigger picture. And, perhaps most controversially, that to do so requires faith.

For those struggling to be kinder to themselves, remember that gentleness is under your control. You have, or can find, the skills to notice opportunities for and apply self-compassion. You can also make choices to increase discipline when necessary. Allowing more intuition and releasing control creates your own personal balance. 

Returning to your natural homeostasis will release you to let go. Neither Pema nor I can convince you of this. It will require your faith and trust. Both faith and letting go can arise for you, too.