Remember the last time you were at a real life impasse? It’s a cruddy feeling. Especially with someone you love.

It’s frustrating to disagree. To reach a moment where you realize there’s no way to resolve the tension in the air. A simple conversation becomes conflict. We understand that the other person is NOT going to see our point of view, NOT going to change their minds, and you are NOT going to walk away happy. It sucks.

And I don’t know about you, but when this happens I always wonder if there is another way. Like, is it ok to leave things unsettled, or is it important for both parties to agree? Is that even possible? What is the ‘right’ way to end these sorts of conversations?

And what does ‘right’ mean, anyway? Does someone always have to be right? Can both people or parties be ‘right’?

The question of ‘who’s right’ comes up a lot and here is a personal example.

I was at a party for my wife’s work people, where I am an outsider, don’t know anyone very well, but do my best to be a good husband. These events are sligthtly uncomfortable, as all of the other men present are wealthy type-A breadwinners and I’m pretty laid back and don’t earn a lot of money. My wife is the breadwinner in our family, and I am the support crew. The term ‘housewife’ would apply to me, except I’m the dude.

At this party I was trying to fit in and nurture relationships, and in the process I made a little faux-paz. I almost gave away a surprise that I wasn’t privy to, but narrowly avoided giving it all away. When I did this my wife jumped in to control any damage and pushed me aside. She then chided me for being such an oaf. Nothing major, but it still stung.

So I was a little offended, and felt really bad about almost screwing up the surprise.

I felt some shame, and more than a bit ‘less than’, given my position in the hierarchy. Though I am a wonderful person with a PhD, very smart, and successful in my own way, I still felt out of place. Instead of building relationships I felt more removed from the group, and felt like I had let my wife down.

The next day I tried to discuss this situation with her, if only to explain how I was feeling. I wanted to admit my mistake, ensure I didn’t screw up too badly, but really just wanted my wife to understand why I was hurting. I have always struggled with feeling ‘less than’, and situations like these often trigger childhood trauma. I saw this as an opportunity for my wife to see my point of view and for me to concede some of my vulnerabilities.

It didn’t work. It often doesn’t. It isn’t easy to be heard.

I don’t think my wife could see the complexity of the situation. I screwed up. I probably caused some turmoil and pissed some people off. From her point of view, I was just being pretty stupid and should have understood the situation. Why couldn’t I have just stayed out of the way? On the other hand, my internal struggle led me to trip over myself trying to bond with her co-workers.

So my wife’s reaction that morning was to sort of shut me down and do that thing where we laugh things off in a many-a-truth-comes-out-in-jest sort of way, and simply change the subject. Immediately after, she scolded me again for a completely different thing, asking me to please not oversqueeze the conditioner bottle. The ‘blow-me-off’ followed by a different ‘here’s another way you let me down’ criticism was a one-two punch to my ego.

Dramatic? Maybe. But it’s true.

Coaching and therapy are helping me understand and change these reactions, but they will always be a part of me. And my only goal is to share all of this with my wife because it matters.

But this is where the conundrum article arises. Is it important for me to ‘be heard’ and to ‘share my truth’ and ‘explain how I feel’ or to find the shortest path to peace and calm?

The ‘be heard’ path seems like the ‘right’ one. To me it is in everyone’s best interest to fully understand each other so we can heal, learn, and improve future interactions. But it is also in everyone’s best interest, in the short term, to get over this quickly and return to whatever steady-state we were in before where we just get along. My wife didn’t seem particularly interested in learning about me and would have rather not talk about it at all. Is she wrong?

I tend to believe that more information is better. Not to say my wife is wrong in this case, but to say that I am ‘more right’. I am all about the long game. I would much rather trudge through a difficult situation with a loved one if there is a glimmer of hope that things will be better in the future. That’s just me. Not everyone is like that. I’m not like that with people to whome I’m not married or a father. So who’s right?

This ‘who’s right’ question is a HUGE one.

It is probably present in just about every argument that has ever occurred. And the problem? Both parties THINK they’re right, right? If they didn’t, the problem wouldn’t arise.

In the case of the argument between me and my wife, who’s right?

Is it up to me to be ‘less sensitive’, more stoic, and change my needs? Or is it up to my wife to be less abrasive, more compassionate, and change her assumptions?

Surely, it is a combination for two people who love each other and want to compromise in the name of making a relationship work.

But each party has their own internalized, learned assumptions, biases, and habits that are very difficult to change. Especially if they’re not even aware of them.

An interesting additional thought is, what if this is two unrelated parties simply getting along as humans? For example, two coworkers. Two people standing in line at starbucks. Two people caught in passing conversation. One person gets their feelings hurt, feels unheard, or is insulted by the other. Who’s right? Is one person wrong for over-reacting? Is the other wrong for not reacting enough?

Conflict is difficult enough. If both parties need to be right, and at most only one party can actually BE right, where does this leave us?

Another interesting thought, if you choose to concede to avoid conflict, how do you know if you are compromising your boundaries? It is extremely challenging to figure out whether you are letting yourself be violated when conceding. This is a major issue in relationships that teeter on the edge of being codependent and narcissistic.

It truly amazes me that any conversation can result in both parties being heard accurately. Empathy and compassion go a long way toward being good listeners and ensuring everyone is heard.

This article is a follow-up to a podcast/vlog entry I made on Knowledge + Experience = Wisdom. You can stream either here (podcast audio) or here (YouTube video).